Healthy, happy relationships are possible when both parties are responsible for managing their own emotional states. Never make someone responsible for YOUR good feelings. Open communication is vital to prevent little resentments stacking up to destroy even the best relationships. Low self-confidence and low self-esteem will be picked up by the other person and reflected back to you in different ways. Intolerance and impatience are never included in a recipe for relationship harmony and happiness.
1. Use ‘I’ sentences:
“I feel sad/angry/happy/hurt/upset …when you… what can we do about it?”
Using ‘I feel’ sentences, rather than ‘you……’ is taking ownership of your feelings rather than attacking, criticising or blaming your partner. Whenever you notice yourself saying ‘you…..’ notice how it calls out the other’s ego and puts them on the defensive. The ego will feel threatened and will automatically want to shift the blame round to you. Therefore changing your conversation to ‘I prefer, I feel, I would really appreciate if you could help me here….., REALLY HELPS to build rapport and trust.
2. Playful Passion
If you want to re-ignite some playful passion, how you say things is even more important than content. A soft tonality with loving assertiveness is what you are aiming for. ‘Think ‘playful’ before you speak. A playful smile with playful eyes is perfectly passionate. By contrast, impatient snappy, confrontational, disrespect is a passion killer. Playing games is a great way to ignite fresh beginnings, perhaps you could decide to choose one new idea each week/month to stimulate fun.
3. Active Listening
Choose an object that one of you holds and whoever is holding the object gets to speak while the other listens without interrupting. This helps to calm the conversation down and prevents you from talking over each other.
It isn’t just that someone isn’t actively listening and fully present, it is also that they will be listening through their own personal filter of understanding and emotional state. If your partner is tired, stressed or unhappy, this will affect how they perceive anything you want to say. If someone has come into a relationship with old hurts or prejudices, this will distort their perception of reality. If you feel disrespected or misunderstood, these feelings fuel resentment and destroy passion.
You could ask: ‘I feel you are resenting me, have I said or done something to upset you?’ If your partner offers some constructive criticism or insight, let them know you will take it on board. If they offer destructive criticism and there is a definite difference, you have a choice whether or not, to let it in. Perhaps the timing wasn’t quite right and an open conversation can achieve a better result if rescheduled to a time you are both feeling good.
Not all of these kinds of communication will help with all relationships. It is important to create an inner confidence and self esteem in order to fully benefit from the above. Passion is destroyed by resentments building up into barriers that block love and intimacy. Playing games is a great way to stimulate fun and fresh beginnings. If love and trust is the energy that sparkles inside deeply fulfilling relationships, playfulness is the fun that unblocks passion.
For confidential one-to-one couples and individual relationship breakthroughs, get in touch with Suzi on 07836 635233 or email firstname.lastname@example.org
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