Healthy, happy relationships are possible when both parties stop blaming and start valuing what is good. Open communication is vital to prevent little resentments stacking up. Resentment destroys passion. Romance inspires intimacy and passion. Prolonged stress, an imbalanced lifestyle, lack of trust, intolerance and impatience are never a recipe for relationship happiness.
1. Use ‘I’ sentences:
“I feel sad/angry/happy/hurt/upset …when you… what can we do about it?”
Using ‘I feel’ sentences, rather than ‘you……’ is taking ownership of your feelings rather than attacking, criticising or blaming your partner. Whenever you notice yourself saying ‘you…..’ notice how it calls out the other’s ego and puts them on the defensive. The ego will feel threatened and will automatically want to shift the blame round to you. Therefore changing your conversation to ‘I prefer, I feel, I would really appreciate if you could help me here….., REALLY HELPS to build rapport and trust.
2. Playful Passion
If you want to re-ignite some playful passion, how you say things is even more important than content. A soft tonality with loving assertiveness is what you are aiming for. ‘Think ‘playful’ before you speak. A playful smile with playful eyes can ignite an intimacy. By contrast, impatient snappy, confrontational, disrespect is a passion killer. Playing games together is a great way to ignite fun.
3. Active Listening
Choose an object that one of you holds and whoever is holding the object gets to speak while the other listens without interrupting. This helps to calm the conversation down and prevents you from talking over each other.
It isn’t just that someone isn’t actively listening and fully present, it is also that they will be listening through their own personal filter of understanding and emotional state. If your partner is tired, stressed or unhappy, this will affect how they perceive anything you want to say. If someone has come into a relationship with old hurts or prejudices, this will distort their perception of reality. If you feel disrespected or misunderstood, these feelings fuel resentment and destroy passion.
You could ask: ‘I feel you are resenting me, have I said or done something to upset you?’ If your partner offers some constructive criticism or insight, let them know you will take it on board. If they offer destructive criticism and there is a definite difference, you have a choice whether or not, to let it in. Perhaps the timing wasn’t quite right and an open conversation can achieve a better result if rescheduled to a time you are both feeling good.
Get help with your relationship
Not all of these kinds of communication will help with all relationships. Passion cannot survive when resentments build up into barriers that erode love and intimacy. Sometimes a fresh perspective can reignite your relationship potential.
For confidential one-to-one couples and individual relationship breakthroughs, get in touch with Suzi on 07836 635233 or email email@example.com
Practices in Kent & London W1.
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